just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize