I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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