Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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