everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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