I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
