I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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