I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
