In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize