Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
