somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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