the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
