I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
