Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
