How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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