Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
