so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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