There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
