if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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