mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
