Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
