mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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