yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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