If i come over, it means nothing
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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