I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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