i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
