just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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