Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
