Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
