I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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