If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
