he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
