i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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