This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
