ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
