how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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