last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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