tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
