After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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