In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
