This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
