I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize