I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
