All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
