I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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