The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
