You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
