I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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