Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize