Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
