I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
