What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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