I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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