Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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