were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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