I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
