Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
