We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize