I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
