Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
