you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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