Already got asked if we're dating
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
