lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
