Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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