Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
