I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
