Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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