Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
