I must be too annoying 4 u.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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