someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
