I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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