dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
